my post birth ptsd experience

We are about to roll into the deep, okay?

So.. Do you remember when I said that I wanted this to be a safe space for me and you? And how sometimes I have to go to places that make me… vulnerable? Well.. this is the time where our space is going to take shape. 

To be frank… I didn’t feel like a mother after I had my daughter.

There have been thousands of times I have scrolled the newsfeed or timeline of some social media network with birth announcements saying shit like “When I saw your face, I fell in love instantly” or “I never knew love before you.”. Before I had my daughter, I would think that shit is so amazing. I wanted to know what that feels like. I wanted to be a mom.

My birth was traumatic as fuck. I almost died and I also was unconscious for two days. Once I opened my eyes, the nurse was smiling at me. She put my 4.4 lb baby girl in my hands and all I felt was resentment. This little person almost killed me. That moment of holding her while my family stared at me in awe was a blur but I remember it being so terrifying. My grandmother and my mother still laugh til this day about how I kept saying “I don’t want her. I don’t want this baby.”. I don’t remember ever saying it but if I did, I meant that shit. I believe I said it because that was exactly how I was feeling. They have no idea how serious I was.

That same night, I remember waiting for it. I waited to be in love with this little person that I created. I waited to like her. I waited quietly to be overjoyed.  I watched her for hours. I fed her. Changed her diaper. All of that. I wanted my “I am so happy and love my sweet baby girl” moment. And it didn’t come. But like most people, I smiled and said all of the things that “new mothers” say.

I couldn’t stand being a new mother. It was so fucking overwhelming. Like damn. My c-section wound was sore, my titties were leaking and hurting, then… Here's a baby not caring how tired you are demanding care. You thought I was gonna be in love with that? Hell no. And I wasn’t. 

That moment of loving my daughter didn’t come to me until August 4, 2015. She was 4 months old. Something about me coming through the front door made her so happy. She reached out for me and my heart did a swag surf. Since then, my heart has continuously been filled with so much joy. I got my moment. My moment finally came.

It’s okay to be honest. Not only is it okay to be honest, it’s okay to not connect, to not be like people on social media, and it’s okay to feel resentment. Most of us have. And in due time, for most of us, those things can and will change. I didn't realize how common it actually was until I was in my perinatal/postpartum mental health course. I cried a lot during that part of class. A lot of us did. It was like this huge ass weight that I didn't know I had was lifted. Since then, I make sure that I remind you constantly that your honesty is appreciated here. I will never judge you. If you need more than what I have, I will be honest also. Because I want the best for you. I have great resources JUST for you. It’s really okay. We all need help sometimes. Grace is for you. Understanding and nurture is for you too. If you ever just need to talk about such things, I’m here. You know that though, right? Thank you for listening to me get that off my chest. Whew!

Love,

Your Doula