“when my baby’s born”; managing your relationship during the postpartum period
”when my baby’s born. when my babyyy’s booooorrnnnnn. when my baby’s born”
Yall remember when Ray J’s nut ass was on verzus? LMAO. If you do, you understood this title. If you didn’t please head on over to Youtube cause that shit was hilarious. But that is what we are gonna talk about ; when duh baby’s born. LOL
The postpartum period is a difficult one. Now, I don’t want you to confuse difficult with bad. But shit, it’s a transition. You literally go from being for the streets, booking trips on the fly, and sleeping in on Sundays recovering from day parties from the previous Saturday to being on call for 24 hours a day. It's a transition. Now people talk about postpartum depression but you know what no one talks about?
How much your romantic relationship changes after having a baby.
I think it is so important to know each other’s love languages and what language do we give love in. (Take the quiz here). Having a baby will absolutely change many partnerships but I do believe with some pre-planning and communication, it can feel less hectic. Expecting parents are usually so wrapped up in preparing for their baby’s physical arrival that they completely overlook the practical implications of having this new, beautiful but extremely needy little human being. Your time will no longer be JUST your time. That time will be dictated by shitty diapers, crying fits, sleepless nights, and feedings. Baby, the list goes on.
Sometimes partners don’t truly understand the effect that hormones can have on a pregnant/postpartum mama.This leads to mama feeling resentment, frustration, and isolation from their partner.But… most mamas don’t realize that their partners are having their own version of postpartum depression sometimes. A relationship/marriage after having a baby don’t have to be loveless and miserable. We ain't claiming that shit. But I do want you to know that that shit is common. You can prevent arguments and disagreements by just simply being aware of what is common and how to resolve them.
So with that being said, let me put you on and let’s talk about it. Weathering this change is what can ultimately bring you and your partner closer for the long haul. Here are 7 things to consider:
Remember, it’s temporary. Shifting from it just being you and your lil bussit to everything being about the baby is rough as fuck. That is usually the first issue. The focus is different. You and your partner may be use to going to go get hot chicken randomly at 11 at Prince’s but now, you don’t give a fuck if his ass has eaten. All of your attention is now centered on meeting your baby’s needs. And wild as it sounds, jealousy can occur.The solution is to remember and understand that this will not always last. It is hella easy to focus so much on your baby and needing your own basic needs that 6 months will fly by and you haven’t given your partner a lick of attention. This brings all sorts of tension. I know being the birthing person it’s like “Shit. What else?!”. But give your partner some of your attention. Remember them. Small gestures like a date night in, a loving sweet text message, a kiss when they are walking by… that little shit matters. Babies grow up! So it is temporary. Hang in there!
Small things to pay it forward. Give your partner the gift of time, touch, help, or whatever they really miss since having baby. Every so often, tell your partner to take a day off and go do whatever sounds good to them. But make sure you ask for what you want as well. These favors go a long way toward strengthening your bond, and will pay for themselves in good will between the two of yall. You will start to trust that the more you give, the more you get, and that’s good for both of yall.
Come and get this baby. Sometimes we think our way is the only way. As a Virgo, I know I do. But that shit will wear you the fuck out. I’ve worked with many couples who run into trouble when one partner will not let the other help with the baby. The primary parent gets tired and not letting the other partner help can lead to that person feeling incompetent to care for baby. Then eventually one person is doing all the work and the other can feel neglected. When both parents take turns caring for the baby, each develops their own confidence in being a capable caregiver. Watching the relationship grow between your baby and your partner is another reason to fall in love all over again. It’s a win for everybody, especially the baby. It may lead to more babies cause then you are gonna wanna start hunching. LOL.
Aye, Watch that damn tone. How we speak can have a dramatic effect on the relationship. If I say, “Your ass should have been awake with me last night while the baby was up,” this sounds judgmental and critical. Take a minute and understand how YOU feel. Nobody can argue with your feelings and it will get the conversation started. “Babe, I’m so exhausted all the time. And when I’m up alone with Lil Lamarcus at night, I start to feel resentful and frustrated. I need some support at night.” It requires more thought and even some planning, but the tone is much different. Actually, taking the word “should” out of your vocabulary can go a long way toward changing your tone. Replace it with, “I wish,” or “we could,” or refer back to your feelings altogether.
This ain’t no contest. Most parents eventually get to the “my life is harder than your life” fight. We want our partners to understand how overwhelmed, overworked and unappreciated we feel. This often leads to a good cussing out about all the unfair aspects of parenting and working, and each person’s role in the household. Each person tries to convince the other that they are worse off. It typically leads to resentment and feeling even less appreciated. Instead of listing all the difficulties of your current role as parent, breadwinner, caretaker, housekeeper, whatever – just ASK FOR WTF YOU WANT. This is where trust comes in. If your partner trusts you, he or she will hear you and agree to help you, and you will likely do the same. Give-and-take ensues and you will find your groove as a couple.
The Village People. Building your village is so important. We talk about that all the time. Find family or friends, fellow parents, or local babysitters to give you a break. Go on a date and don’t talk about the baby. Now THAT shit is hard and you may initially struggle to think of anything but your baby. But if going to dinner is too much pressure, go to a movie or bowling together. You can also just have someone to come over and have a date night in. The point is to get some grown-up time and nurture your relationship. Don’t be discouraged if it feels strange or is difficult at first. You’ll come to look forward to these nights out. As your baby grows up, he or she will look forward to a fun time with a trusted babysitter as well.
Yall are on the same team. The two of you, as a team, are the most important piece of the family. I always tell parents that this all got started because you love each other. Whether it’s diapers, or in-laws, or colic, the two of you can manage it better if you are united and on good terms. So make each other a priority, talk to each other, and be sure to put your relationship first. Communication is key. And when talking doesn’t work, write it down. Keep a shared journal. It worked for me cause that tone part was my own personal struggle. Just remember that your partner is not your opponent.
Yall will be fine. As time goes on you and the baby will fall into your own routines. Each of you will be better at somethings than others. Encourage each other, appreciate each other, and give each other hugs. You are doing and will do amazing.
Now, I do have date night in and just little ideas to get you through this stage. You know where I am if you need them. Let me know. I love you!
Love,
Your Doula
